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Maxim celebrates five years of T&A, drinking and Gary Coleman jokes
Howard Stern's woman on the cover of FHM
Jesus teaches Billy how to be a switch-hitter
Jesus 'saves' the game with a perfect handoff
The 'before' picture. As in, before man ate anything but small armies
Eddie Vedder looking as good as he always did
A Shiite Muslim ceremony. I can't believe I share the human race with these creatures
Bonnie Jill Laflin
Theresa Hessler
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NYC THIS WEEK
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This week, your mission is to join my co-ed softball and volleyball teams this summer. They're co-ed, so expect the competition to suck, but you won't care when you're getting hammered at the bar afterward.
Christan of NetworkingGirl.com has all the details. Visit her site to join the teams. It's only $75 for the season, so pony up the chump change, peasant.
Suggestions for your party needs...
Who's on First — Upper East Side bar with super stars Chaundra and Liani on Thursday nights
MurphGuide.com — A daily guide to bar specials and events
Mr. Hipster — Hands-down the wittiest bar and restaurant reviews in the city. If the Mr. Hipster hasn't reviewed it, it's not worth going to.
NYCBP.com — If you pick your bar depending on what hot bartenders are working, this is your resource.
NetworkingGirl — Christan's always organizing events for NYC singles to get in bed with each other. Go see what she's got going on this week.
Dodgeball — NYCers rate bars and post reviews — and without the bridge-and-tunnel reviews that infect CitySearch.
* Got an NYC-centric site to plug? Let me know.
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A few weeks ago, I did a feature on chick mags. Man, that was boring. Lots of tips on getting in shape and giving good oral sex. Wait a minute, that stuff was great.
This week, I look no further than my own backyard — or at least under my bed: men's magazines. What you'll find is that men are interested in only three things: sex, Alyssa Milano and sex with Alyssa Milano.
Let's take a look at what's available on the web sites of some of these magazines...
MAXIM
Last week, I received my April 2002 issue of Maxim and saw that New York was declared Greatest City on Earth. Well, duh.
Then I read that different issues were produced for 13 markets — Miami, Boston, Dallas, etc. — with appropriate cities being declared Greatest City on Earth.
Ah, but not everyone was in on the joke.
Tricked: Penny Parker of Rocky Mountain News — "Maxim, a mildly naughty men's mag, names Denver 'the greatest city on Earth' in the April issue. We already knew that."
Paul's Take: Yeah, and we already knew that if anyone was going to fall for this gag, it would be someone who chooses to live in a city with no oxygen. Or with firemen who play buttball.
Humble: About.com Detroit Guide Brad Lang — "For those of us who are used to being thought of as citizens of a second-class metro area, that's almost too good to be true."
Paul's Take: Second-class? Try fourth-class. From Motown to Craptown in 30 years. And a perennial record for unemployment.
Buzzkill: Philly newsstands get New York version — Instead of seeing their city touted as the greatest, Philadelphians find their city described as "a glorified piss break between New York and D.C."
Paul's Take: Piss break? Yes. Glorified? Maybe compared to Atlantic City.
Now onto more important matters...
* Ubiquitous Alyssa Milano Photo Shoot.
STUFF
* Q&T&A: Interview With Porn Star Tera Patrick — She says she's big on manners. So say "please" when you ask to borrow the butt beads.
* Jokes Page — I can't decide which Flash game is more worth playing on company time: the East/West gansta shootout or saving hot babes at the beach. I'll go with whatever makes the most noise.
* Ubiquitous Alyssa Milano Photo Shoot. (And another!)
FHM (U.S. Version)
* Sexy Desktops — Wallpaper featuring such hotties as Tiffani Amber-Thiessen, Leann Tweeden and J-Ho. Perfect for setting on your boss' computer when he steps out for lunch.
* Ubiquitous Alyssa Milano Photo Shoot.
* I Survived Rock: Bret Michaels — The Poison lead singer shares his insight on groupies, tattooes and why I'm filling out an application to be a roadie. Use the drop-down menu to navigate to interviews with other old-school rockers.
MEN'S JOURNAL
This magazine is so flaming, a guy could burn his hands just holding it.There's no chicks in it, and they have such articles as The Modern Man's Guide to Yoga.
IN CONCLUSION...
So, what did we all learn this week? We learned that I really didn't work too hard on this update, and that Alyssa Milano is a piece of ass. And, to share a quote from that dimwit in Denver, we already knew that.
RANDOM WEIRDNESS
* Jesus Sports Statues — One of the absolute greatest links in the history of PaulKatcher.com, statues of Jesus Christ playing sports with children. X-Rated versions of the same available in Boston churches.
* Trick Your Friends Into Disclosing Personal Info — Dupe your friends into thinking they're answering questions for a sex questionnaire. Then laugh your ass off when the answers come to you. If your friend wants to know why you don't call him anymore, tell him you don't hang with dudes who fantasize about midget wrestlers. (Thanks, Jamie)
* Coreyanity — Better living through the love and teachings of Corey Feldman. Commandment No. 1: Spend early adulthood associated with a self-abusing tool like Corey Haim. Life can only get better from there.
* SpamRadio — Listen the soothing sounds of span being read through your speakers. Special channels include "Become a Legally Ordained Priest" and "Wanna See Me Naked?" I can see a merger of those channels someday.
* 'I'm a T-Shirt Hell T-Shirt Wearing Whore' Contest — T-Shirt Hell customers send pictures of themselves looking stupid for a mere five shirts. I guess it beats doing laundry.
* Porn Music Radio — I couldn't get the damn thing to work, but apparently you can listen to a selection of porn background music. Kinda like invading Ron Jeremy's record collection.
* Britney Underground — The "after" pictures of the Britney in Las Vegas posters that HBO posted all over New York's subway system. Stupid, angry vandals have never made me laugh.
* iFilm's Viral Video — A collection of videos that have made the rounds in e-mails across the country. Including the one of your mom and the milkman.
* Picture: Whale Penis — I get a lot of e-mail requests, but the most popular, by far, is: "When are you going to link to a photo of a whale's penis?" Right now.
* Photo Gallery: Really Fat (And Really Naked) Man — A photographic personal ad of sorts for someone who could be the second coming of Shamu.
* Hey, You. It's Me — Post messages for people in four U.S. cities that you may have seen in a store of subway, but didn't have the nads to talk to them. Like this: "Hey, fire crotch. I saw you squeezing the melons in A&P and wanted to do the same to you. E-mail me, ho!" My strategy? Just leave messages for people of every race, height, weight and hair color and see if anyone bites.
* Strip Club Etiquette — Ten tips on how to fit in with the rest of the virgins drooling in their Jack and Cokes. (Link found on Fark.com)
* Twin Tracker — The only reliable resource to finding out when Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are ripe in your home state. Well, looks like it's time to pack up for Mississippi. (Thanks, Spooner)
* 'Fiercely Stupid' — Excerpts from FuckedCompany.com founder Pud's book. Great stuff from a fellow Syracuse University alum. Highlight on MySpace.com: "What's weirder than being in the 'business' of giving away free disk space to over 9 million people? The fact that there was competition."
* Photo: Why I'm Never Going to Mardi Gras — Count the number of women. I see something like three gals and 97 guys. Like a Star Trek convention with beads.
* Lip Piercing Galleries — Tongue rings? OK. Nipple rings? Like 'em. Everything else? Stay away from me you goddamn freak.
* You Are Where You Live — Find out what clusters of people live in your zip code. Here's the book on where I grew up and where I live now.
LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE
* Photo: Twin Towers at Dusk — Such a lovely picture. I miss them.
* Anthrax Killings: A CIA Foulup? — A transcript from a BBC program that asserts that the deaths of five anthrax victims may have been a CIA test gone madly out of control. It's amazing how little is known, at least publicly, about what really happened.
* 23 charged in Sept. 11 charity scam — Proof that morality is not a human instinct.
* Up Close, Too Close, to a Suicide Bombing — A N.Y. Times reporter goes to a pizza joint in Jerusalem and hears the too-familiar blast of a Palestinian murderer blowing up himself and others. It's so helpless over there. How can you be human and not feel for someone who cannot get a slice of pizza without fear?
THE NEWSDESK
* Yanks' Rivera Puts Blame on Brosius — Mariano says Scotty botched a potential double-play in the 9th inning of last year's Game 7 in the World Series. I've never heard anyone else make this claim. Whatever, that 15 minutes ruined my life!!!
* Woman bites off husband's genitals — Yes, but does she bite off more than she can chew?
* Man saws down tree, kills wife — That's on way to get rid of a birch — and a bitch.
* Sebastian Bach arrested for drugs, threats in bar scuffle — Police asked if he understood why he was arrested, and Bach replied, "Yeah, because I like to smoke a lot of weed." Smooooooth.
THE WEEKLY LADIES
* Bonnie-Jill Laflin — Two first names. One great ass.
* Theresa Hessler — One of those fitness models who can kick your ass and look good doing it. Looks like some of her body is store-bought.
* Beautiful Newswomen — You have to admire a guy who's compiled pictures of every hot TV newswoman. You just might not ever want to meet him.
* Maxim Girl: Tara Reid — I used to think she looked like the biggest California dimwit. Then I heard she was from New Jersey. Now I just want to show here the difference between Carson Daly and Katcher daily.
NEXT WEEK
Next week, we'll explore the meaning of Nick and Nite and why the hell it's not banned from American television. Then it's a celebration of Hugh Hefner's birthday, if he's still alive in two weeks.
Send your link suggestions now.
THE ARCHIVE
Missed a week of PaulKatcher.com? Shame on you.
Hit the archive and see what you missed.
Recent issues include Spring Break, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Before that we (un)covered Mardi Gras 2002.
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