When I was a teenager, February was my favorite month. Not only is it the month of my birthday (2/28/73) but it's when Sports Illustrated makes the slight leap from covering sports to uncovering models.
But I've grown and things have changed for me ... and our nation's adolescents. The advent of the Internet has dropped the SI swimsuit issue down the list of Most Accessible Titillation for teens from No. 1 to No. 10,000, far below paparazzi shots of Alyssa Milano's honeymoon.
But for people who grew up in the '80s, the swimsuit issue was it. Kathy Ireland first graced the the cover in 1989, which coincided with the mag's first HBO "making of" special and my 16th birthday. Think about that. Sixteen. I still consider Kathy Ireland my first girlfriend.
Now the swimsuit issue is riding the coattails of its predecessors, so I thought we'd take a look back at recent issues online...
* 1996 — a pre-Stamos Rebecca Romijn and Tyra Banks share the cover. The location is South Africa (like anyone cares) and there are three sizes to all photos, this having been the era of the 14.4 modem.
* 1997 — Tyra Banks gets her first solo cover in the 50th anniversary year of the bikini. Steffi Graf serves as one of the models. Five years later I still don't know why they let her in the magazine.
* 1998 — Sports Illustrated tries its hands at a pay model — $7.95 for complete access. How did it do? Well, the stuff is free now, so there's your answer. The model lineup includes Laetitia Casta, Caprice and first-time cover girl Heidi Klum. I still remember seeing Heidi on Jay Leno's show to promote the mag. I briefly considered a career in celebrity stalking.
* 1999 — Rebecca Romijn-Stamos makes the cover, but the best feature is Hits & Mrs., shots of athletes and their mostly hot wives. Chuck Finley is my hero. And see if these words ring a bell: Heidi Klum and paint.
* 2000 — Nothing defines the gluttonous Net days of 2000 like an online package that's too heavy on Flash. Looks good the first time, then the navigation gets annoying. Can't believe designers were so dumb and self-serving. This was the year SI tried the 3D thing, and the Athletes and Friends gallery is back, but the inclusion of Kylie Bax makes the whole thing.
* 2001 — I recently found out that fellow Syracuse University grad Rony Seikaly is married to smoking hot cover gal Elsa Benitez. I almost choked. Then again, he's worth about $20 million more than me, so I guess that makes sense.
* Covers Through the Years — View every swimsuit issue cover since 1964, when surprised subscribers went to their mailboxes and said, "Thank god in heaven."
Related:
* America Says NO to the Sports Illustrated "Swimsuit Issue" — Right, the whole country. Perhaps we should just ban beauty. And hormones. And bathing suits. We could call this country Ameristan.
* Top 10 Ways Sports Illustrated Disrespects Women — I can write up with 100 ways it doesn't, but first I have to call up some women I know and tell them they're fat.
Enjoy this year's issue when it comes out. Remember, somewhere there is a teenager who's been waiting all year for it. Unless he has online access.
And one more thought ... You know all those people who cancel their subscriptions when the issue comes out? Why the hell did they subscribe to SI in the first place?
* Top 25 Web Personalities — Not sure how serious to take a list that has Matt Drudge ranking far, far behind a guy who features Doodie cartoons.
* The Horseradish Challenge — One man's attempt to eat a whole jar of horseradish. Did he puke? Will YOU puke? Find out now.
* The Pre-Date Confidence Builder — Now women without roommates can get answers to such pre-date questions as Do I Look Fat? and Should I Wear My Hair Up or Down? Also check out How to Impress Your Date. I think we've all been guilty of No. 11.
* Something Awful's Rejected Valentines — I guess you either love Valentine's Day or you hate it. I'm getting drunk that night. Guess how I feel about it?
* Frontline: American Porn — A PBS special on the business of pornography. May be the only industry not hit by the recession.
* Drug Movie: Muppets From Space — A way, way, way too detailed breakdown of one of the only Muppet movie to include appearances by Hulk Hogan and Rob Schneider.
* Disgruntled Housewife — Your guide to modern living and intersex relationships. A must-see is the Dick List, user-submitted tales of men who made a booby or two. There's a couple Paul K.'s on there, but none from NYC.
* Apartment House Wrestling Gallery — There's nothing like shoving aside the coffee table, strapping on a bikini and opening a can of whoop ass on your roommate. Easily the best way to settle phone-bill disputes.
* Just Add Water: The Wet T-Shirt Photoshop Effect — So that's how your sister got onto the Girls Gone Wild site.
* Patriot Registration — A parody of what John Ashcroft might do to weed out evil doers.
* Take the Lazy Test — My diagnosis was "not that lazy." These people have never been to my apartment on weekends.
* Dead or Alive Quiz — Think you know who's still sucking in oxygen?
* Fuck You Gallery — Show the world that it can have loving intercourse with itself ... if that's possible.
* Unnovations — Tomorrow's outmodeled artifacts today. (Thanks, Dave)
* Adam Vinatieri's Official Site — Hardly even a hint that a week ago this guy was the toast of New England.
* High-res aerial view of WTC cleanup — Joe Walberg asked me if this photo was real. Yep, that's the physical destruction in our city. Also figure that memorial services for each person were attended by hundreds if not thousands. That's a part of the mental destruction.
* Twisted Sister's Dee Snider does voice-overs for MSNBC — "Watch our hard-driving news or J.J. French will come and kick your ass."
* Woman kept mother's corpse in bed for year — Funerals can be so expensive.
* MSNBC adds extra G to guest Niger Innis' first name — FOX News Channel once added an L to my last name, but I guess this is worse. See a screen grab of MSNBC's blunder.
* Store apologizes for fried chicken special in honor of Black History month — Aside from the obvious stupidity of the product selection, why is a supermarket trying to "honor" black history?
* Where Are They Now? The Agony of Defeat Ski Jumper — Catching up with Vinko Bogataj, the guy who was seen in the opening of Wide World of Sports flipping head over heels.
* Rebecca Ryann — May be the best-looking gal I ever linked to. More pics.
* Rose McGowan's 1998 Video Music Awards dress — How have I never seen this before? I guess me and the Marilyn Manson circle doesn't mix.
* Bobbi Billard's wallpaper gallery — Tons of fan-submitted work. Not sure what the going rate is for wallpaper these days, but I think hot sex might be out of the question.
* Tracey Walker e-mailed me this week and she's got some new photos hosted by PictureTrail.com. Show her some love. (And that doesn't mean to e-mail her pictures of your genitals.)
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