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COOL THINGS IN NYC THIS WEEK
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Mardi Gras at Who's on First (First Ave. at 87 Street in Manhattan). I'll be there Thursday, Feb. 7 and Saturday, Feb. 9
Before I hit Who's on Feb. 7, I'm seeing Deep River Meltdown, a promising rock band, at Downtime (30 Street at Eighth Ave.). 8 p.m. sharp
8-Minute Dating — A multi-city program that allows you to "date" many people in one evening. If you're lucky, it could lead to 12-minute sex
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Dick Cheney is off to make some budget cuts regarding Enron
And the crowd went wild for Anna and Martina
Captain Pecker: The Party Wrecker
"Now if I could only figure out how to get out of this secret cave"
Has to be the best wrestling move ever
For real, an Yves Saint Laurent design
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This week we celebrate the freedom, originality and debauchery of Mardi Gras, where people let their hair down while pulling their tops up.
I spent four nights in New Orleans in December and after drinking till 5,5,4 and 5 in the morning, it was clear New Orleans spent me. If you like to party, you'll love The Big Easy.
Amazing but true, these things happen on Bourbon Street, even in mid-December:
3-for-1 bottled-beer specials for $4 on a Saturday night
Beads have value, even though they can be bought every 20 feet for 50 cents
Beer vendors with walk-up windows keep Bourbon Street packed with folks chugging 20-oz. beers for $2
Live music with no cover in every bar
* Playboy Mardi Gras — If last year was any indication, this will be the best Mardi Gras spot on the web. Daily photo and video updates, so you can experience Bourbon Street without someone urinating on your leg. The mag has its own balcony on Bourbon Street each year, and I'm kinda guessing it's the most popular to camp under.
* Dead Elvis and Elvira's Mardi Gras Links — The undisputed champion portal of Mardi Gras web destinations. Includes tons of personal home pages with stories, pictures and pictures that tell too much of the story.
* How to Catch a Lot of Beads — A guide to getting beads without being groped or ending up in a Girls Gone Wild video that your uncle watches late at night.
* BeadWhore Photo Gallery — Two problems here: 1) The "whore" is apparently a man; and 2) the photos are pretty small. But there's definitely some good times being had in these shots.
* BourboCam — Watch the action live from outside the Karaoke bar Cat's Meow. Complete with sound, if you can bear the awful singing.
* Official New Orleans Police Warning — Something about lewd conduct and being arrested. That's why my apartment is so great. Wanna flash? No problem.
* Beads by the Dozen — If you're hosting a Mardi Gras party, this is one of the places to order beads in bulk.
* Growing Queasy in the Big Easy — ESPN.com's Bill Simmons shares his view of New Orleans. Funny and accurate — BUT the locals don't want their city to be painted as a drunken OrgyFest (which it is) so Simmons wrote this somewhat apologetic column shortly thereafter. He wrote nothing I didn't say when I came back from there.
 
Here's a couple shots from my trip. The first is me at The Wicked Wolf (I'm the one on the left; the Wolf is one the right). The second is the scene from what the locals called a "dead" weekend. May all my weekends be so dead.
RANDOM WEIRDNESS
* Captain Pecker the Party Wrecker — Next time you're planning a bachelorette party, bring along this 6-foot inflatable schlong. And make sure the bride-to-be's dad is there, too.
* Invisible Jim — When you give this gift and say, "it's nothing at all," you're not lying.
* Who Is That? — Providing the lowdown on C-list actors who remain busy but whose names escape you. Like the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Speaking of, here are some sound files from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, including "Pardon my French... but you're an asshole!"
* Attrition.org's Image Gallery — Some great Photoshopping going on, including shots of Ron Jeremy as President and Gary Colemen starring in the Elian Gonzalez Story.
* Name That Beer Bottle — Match 12 blank beer bottles with their appropriate labels. I sucked — got only seven right. Damn you, Miller High Life!
* Bum Hunt — Pictorials, profiles, interviews, and web videos of the world's wackiest bums, like Unstill Bill, Postal Pete and Napping Ned. I hope we'll never see a Pissin'-on-Himself Paul.
* Dating Do's and Dont's From Playmates — As sure as day follows night, these things work: a bit of style, class, humor, modesty and hygiene. And these things don't: pushiness, desperation, cockiness, phoniness. Piece of cake, fellas.
* The World Adult Kickball Association — Now you can get picked last in your 30s. Just don't cry when you get pegged in the head.
* Tonya Harding Shot JFK.com — I don't know how long it took to put this site together, but I'm guessing too long.
* Dean and Nigel's Photos With Old People — Sometimes I think I'm weird. Then I see guys like this and I think I should run for President. (Thanks, Brad)
LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE
* Ground Zero Family Fun Center — A satirical look at what a sacred area has turned into. I visited in November, sans camera, and felt like I was in Disney World. The whole scene down there is like an amateur photography contest.
* Sept. 11 Survivor Wounded as Jerusalem Bomb Kills 2 — Try to fathom this: The guy escapes Tower Two on 9/11, then takes his family to a shopping center in Jerusalem. Next stop: Northern Ireland. (Psst, we have shopping in New York, dude.)
* Pucker Up Osama Stadium Cushions — Sit on this fucker's face for $5.
* Run, Osama, Run — Thomas Friedman's Op-Ed in the New York Times tells of his recent trip to the Mideast and the overwhelming support for bin Laden that he encountered. Watch those borders, people.
THE NEWSDESK
* Video shows Enron employee asked if Lay was on crack — The answer: "Yeah, with your mother." Bam.
* Groom killed by stripper's boobs — An apparent suffocation, but I say apparent because this comes from Yahoo! News' new feed of gossip trash papers such as the Star, National Enquirer and Weekly World News. Mark my words: people will think this stuff is real just because Yahoo! distributes the content.
* Man bids 251,000 pounds in Internet wife auction — Probably a guy who's used to being with girls who weigh 251,000 pounds.
* Ex-Enron CEO's wife says they are broke — Oh, I bet there's some millions under the cushions. How 'bout the $101 million in stock he cashed in between October 1998 and November 2001?
* Pam Anderson may swap TV role for stripper pole — Wait, isn't she already a stripper? Her entire purpose is to put clothes on, only to take them off.
THE WEEKLY LADIES
* Face the Jury: Top Females — A mix between a "Rate My (blank)" site and a personals site. Since each of those genres is 95% fake, you can bet this one is, too.
* Buff Chicks: The Ultimate Hardbodies — Several photo galleries of gals with pipes — and lungs.
* Kelly Jacobs — She's pretty much perfect, if you go for that sort of thing.
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