(Well, I have, and it's the best idea I could come up with this week, so bear with me...)

Anyway, I was hoping some of you guys could help decide which of these celebrity lookalikes is hotter, and which should take her picture off the Internet before someone Photoshops it into a sister of Herman Munster.

* Steve Perry vs. Jenna Jameson — I'll go my "Separate Ways" with No. 1 and stick with the pro. Winner... Jenna.

* Meatloaf vs. Angus Young — I would do anything for love but get within 500 miles of these broads. Winner... Neither.

* Mia Hamm vs. Chelsea Clinton — Would you date an ugly chick even if her dad was the former leader of the free world and you could get limo rides everywhere? I wouldn't. Winner... Mia.

* Jennifer Grey vs. Anna Kournikova — I hate Anna, but I hate "Dirty Dancing" more. Winner... Anna.

* Rebecca Romijn-Stamos vs. A Young Bonnie Franklin — A three-way with John Stamos doesn't excite me, but neither does the star of the woefully unfunny "One Day at a Time." Winner... Schneider.

* The Ugly Daughter From Rosanne vs. Pepa — Let's talk about sex ... with anyone but these two. Winner... Neither.

* Now that I've found the FartMatic5000, I probably won't be returning as many calls at work. Be sure to increase the abdominal density on that one.

* Just so I never make PhuckedUp.net's list of Sites That Blow Ass, I'm going to link to it. Then I'm going to wonder how this page of backyard wrestling injuries didn't make the cut. Check this out: "Lo-Jack has had stomach problems of late. He went to the doctors and was diagnosed as having a large force against his stomach."

* In the 1980's, I spent my allowance at the Jersey Shore trying to win a Hauling Ass poster, but all I ever came home with was a stuffed Smurf or a framed photo of cokehead Keith Hernandez.

* My buddy Kevin at New York City Bars and Patrons posted a ton of updates over the weekend. Remember, the drunker he gets, the better off we are.

* The Barbi Twins were on the E! True Hollywood Story last night. I thought they were just a couple vapid models with fake bags, but no...

Check out this intro to their interview for your favorite gay e-zine and mine, The Advocate:

"Advocate.com sits down with Shane and Sia Barbi and finds two tomboys who have a lesbian mom and a determination to battle homophobia as well as eating disorders."

If you're not the reading type, just check out a gallery of the Barbi Twins that shows off what E! claimed were bodies free of enhancements.

I don't know, man. Cuddling topless siblings skeves me out, no matter the bust size.

* Some people might deem this site mindless. But I would ask them to check out The Hate Directory. Now those are some mindless sites. Freedom of expression is grand. Hate in any form is saddening. A toast to all responsible parents.

* Leave it to The Onion to expose one the great work excuses ever. Lots of grandmothers.

* I saw "Pearl Harbor" over the weekend, and I liked it better the first time, when it was called "Titanic." See "Pearl Harbor" reviews on the Internet Movie Database and wonder why professionals movie makers with a $200 million budget can't do better than to produce something that the general public rates a 6.3 out of 10.

* Outbreaks of pool-related diarrhea rise in U.S.. Always wait at least 12 hours to swim after eating Taco Bell.

* Woman battered by swan loses injury claim. Will the defendant please waddle up to the bench?

* 2,000 undress for photographer in Montreal. I imagine I can top that with 2,001 bags of coke.

* Mets fined $4,000 for wrecking Giants' clubhouse. Looks like the bathroom is the only thing the Mutts took the wood to all series.

* Charlie O'Neale mixes a man's name with a woman's body like no one I've ever seen.

* Here's around 11 million or so wallpapers of hot chicks for those of you who don't mind broadcasting that your computer is filled with 20 gigs of porn.

* Amber Marie has two names, one hot bod and probably a mailbox full of retarded e-mails from stalkers.

* The webmaster at Cyber-Funk.net sent me a nice note this week. Go check out some bodies of his work.

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