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Makeup or not, I'd still rather screw a goat
I smell a paycheck that really isn't worth it
Where am I ever gonna find a McDonald's that's close to my apartment?
Hose! We're gonna need the hose over here!
Another reason why people who go skiing for spring break are idiots
No, I wasn't looking at her, dear
Catherine Zeta-Jones, not a bad-looking gal
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With March Madness in full swing, let's start things off with a little weirdness from the sports world.
Camp Chaos, the folks who brought you Napster Bad!, have launched a new Flash movie titled Dick Vitale Goes Ape-Shit. The man with 20 Coaches of the Year is virtually unstoppable, baby!
They also have a Flash movie introducing the latest reality show to hit the small screen, They Shoved a Camera Up My Ass. I'm definitely watching that over 60 Minutes.
Nobody considers wrestling a sport, but you might be interested in a recap of Vince McMahon's appearance on The Howard Stern Show. Howard pressed him on if he wanted to kick Bob Costas' ass during a recent interview. Did you hear that McMahon's XFL set an all-time record for lowest-rated prime time show ever? It was the best news I heard all week.
The XFL sucks, flat-out. See if you can decipher anything Rod "He Hate Me" Smart said in his Playboy.com interview.
If you know anything about real sports, you might want to check out the online version of Sports Jeopardy! And you college hoops buffs might like to reminisce about McDonald's High School All-American games from the past, including a list of all-time players and trivia.
MORE COMPETITIONS
Yankees vs. Red Sox. Red Wings vs. Avalanche. Lakers vs. Celtics.
They've got nothing on the Crips and Bloods.
There's a lot to learn on this page created by Crips AND Bloods, including: "You will learn that these gangstas can live in harmony unless there are badass muthafuckas that be pullin their straps on there rivals."
I couldn't have said it better myself. (Well, maybe without the grammatical errors.)
If I see any of these gangster hand signals on the subway, I'm taking off faster than a hijacked Russian plane.
JustPigs.com is keeping score on face, breasts, legs and stomach in The Battle of the Babes. Recent results include Tyra Banks over Carmen Electra (my ass), Heidi Klum over Elizabeth Hurley (fair enough) and Jenny McCarthy over Pamela Anderson (both turn me off).
RubberFaces.com is holding a competition between Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. See how well you can mangle the faces of these pop princesses.
And talk about having a nose for the winner's circle ... an eight-year-old is the new Rotten Sneaker Contest winner. It's all downhill from here, kid. He'd better start collecting those wussy soccer trophies soon, because no girl is gonna go for a guy with only that award on his mantel.
Hey kids, it's almost time for the Ms. International Leather Contest. It appears lesbians have a stranglehold on this competition.
RANDOM QUICK HITS
* The American Association for Nude Recreation has some tips to follow on your first club visit. One is to ask Are there activities for your children? Duh, of course there are: naked kick ball, nude dodge ball, and pickle ball a 10-year-old can only dream about.
I don't know about you, but when I was 10, I got nervous just ordering food in a restaurant. I couldn't imagine having to freeball in front of strangers.
* I don't know who in his right mind would archive all of Norm McDonald's Saturday Night Live news scripts, but I must say they're funny as hell. It was revealed this week that defense lawyer Johnny Cochran was once accused of beating his wife. In his defense Cochran stated, 'Hey, at least I didn't kill her like some people I know.'
* Hispanically speaking, Bush has a new word. (I must see this man's Yale diploma.)
* I Love Bacon posted a link to this page of hideous Internet personals. I feel bad for the ladies pictured, because I'm sure most are pranks, especially the one about the high school math teacher: There are other things I enjoy doing, but since all my friends are married, and I'm a fat skank, it's hard to find someone to hang out with!
* Take the Bathroom Habits Survey and see how many others qualify as The Inspector. Do you wash your hands? C'mon, now, be honest.
* Only one good link from Maxim this month: The Mr. Hankey Construction Kit. The Internet really is going to shit.
* Find out who you were in your past life. I was a female priest in West Russia. Sounds about right.
* Ouchy the Clown, whom you may remember from a couple weeks back, has some merchandise for sale. And to think my birthday just passed.
THE WEEKLY LADIES
You're not going to believe this, but I think people might come here just for the girls.
* The Disgusted Network came back with some images from spring break. Here's a hint: They involve white shirts and water.
* A ton of pics from Lake Havasu, where I imagine Westerners hang out during spring break.
* The Planet Appreciation Page. The Planet is a club in Tennessee responsible for for all those wet t-shirt contest pics that every damn site claims as their own. They stopped holding contests in 1999.
* The Thong Parade is still going strong. See their contest pics from March 13.
* Da Pimp Shack808 has a huge compilation of thong pics. I love when Geocities sites get away with this. Can't Geocities figure out that any of its sites that gets more than 12 hits a day is one featuring content they typically don't allow?
* PlayChicken.com features a slew of pics from Burning Man, where there are some serious freaks hanging out.
* I just saw Traffic, and let me tell you, some Catherine Zeta-Jones wallpaper would look a lot better than the lame mountain scene I have on my new computer now. Here's the best Zeta-Jones gallery I could find.
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