Your kids will enjoy getting spanked by Ouchy the Clown. Call 415-789-8439 for availability

Knockers the Clown: Mom always said to go after the girl next door

This clown's fee is $40/hour and one hummer from the birthday girl's mom

Sometimes, you just gotta say, "What the fuck?"

Man, just look at that jacket!

The other day, I was at work minding my own business when my friend J-No sent me an e-mail that read: "For your next party."

I thought, cool, I love parties.

But I almost fainted when I saw what awaited me: Ouchy the Clown.

My friends, please sit down. Allow me to tell you about Ouchy the Clown.

He's more than just your run-of-the-mill gay dominatrix dressed in nontoxic makeup and leather panties. He's also a D.J. and a self-proclaimed meeting facilitator — specializing in brainstorming sessions, conflict resolution, and organizational development.

I know what you're thinking. This is just another Internet hoax, right? And the last meeting Ouchy facilitated was his tongue on a 15-year-old's nutsack, right? WRONG!

Ouchy lives. No less of an authority on alternative lifestyles than Gay Wired interview Ouchy.

So then I got around to searching for more people who combine libido and balloon animals and I found a photo gallery of Knockers the Clown at Hooters in NYC. Yep, right in my backyard.

I'm moving next week.

I don't know where yet, because I want to find out where this birthday clown works and never, ever visit there.

And I plan to join the Stop Clown Porn Now Organization. Really, there isn't a more worthwhile agenda to support. (See its banned links.)

BIKER BABES

Hippies aside, bikers have to be the ugliest people in America. But for some reason, ladies hang around them. I don't know if it's the food in the beard or the pits that could melt plastic, but some chicks just can't get enough of a road warrior who can't even read a STOP sign.

And after searching all week for biker "babes," I struggled to find only a few links of women I'd consider to be biker "so-so's."

* Chrome's Cruisin' Cuties (try to ignore the awful embedded .WAV file)

* Lisa M. and Tiesa from MsBikeWeek.com

* Rebel's Bikini Contest (just some hot chicks on a biker site; I wouldn't call them biker babes)

* Finally, some good shots from Daytona Bike Week. And a second page from the same site.

* Tons of party photos from Red Rock West in NYC, a biker bar that also hosts a big preppy crowd

HAVE YOU HEARD?...

* ... that the WWF's Undertaker has a voluptuous tush? I had no idea until I visited the site of some smitten gal who posted pics of the Undertaker's ass stretching spandex to the limit.

* ... that George Michael still has a career, aside from roughing up the suspect in a public bathroom? At the George Michael Chronology, you can view the lineage of his looks, as well as what's new with Gorgeous George.

* that tennis legend Bjorn Borg is urging Europeans to have more sex? (I used to urge American women to have more sex -- with me.)

* ... that queer bikers invaded Death Valley in December 1994?

* ... that despite what you see on the news, there are heartwarming stories extolling the virtues of duct tape?

* ... that eBay does not feature only used underwear and used porno tapes? There's one guy who put his entire life on eBay.

* ... that Don Imus is a racist mo-fo? There's a site tracking the I-Man's digs at our friends of other ethnicities.

* ... that we now know what the Gettysburg Address would have been like if Lincoln used Powerpoint?

HOW'S THE REDESIGN?

Unless you're as blind as Julia Child, you've noticed that I've switched the look of this site from dark and deviant (which I am not) to something I hope will be more usable and friendly (which I hope to be).

Let me know how it looks. And please continue to send in link suggestions and feedback of any kind.