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I usually give it to you straight
on this page. I don't make up stories about how much I do
drugs (never) or how often I strike out with girls (never;
girlfriend), and I don't beg you to slide me up some Top
50 list.
So take this as reality: I fucking
hate those maddeningly persistent Subway commercials starring
ultra-loser Jared Fogle, who lost 245 pounds sucking down
6-inch turkey subs every god damn day.
You have to -- have to -- check
out a story about him on a hideously designed page titled
Who's
Who in Meat: Official Guide and Directory of the Northeast
Meat And Poultry Industry.
E-mail
me and tell me if that isn't the most random thing you
have ever seen. And check out the top banner. It reads:
"Click for info on how you
can reach thousands of meat and poultry industry executives."
Are you shitting me? If I had to write up a list of a million
things to do, contacting a poultry industry executive would
come in at one million and one.
(Holy shit, I just saw the Subway
commercial TWICE while I am writing this. I am not fucking
kidding. Someone shoot this man. Firebomb the nearest Subway.
Do something!)
 Just
look at the stupid shit Jared is doing now. He's posing
with six-foot-tall foam sandwiches for Christ's sake. (You
gotta pop that
photo out.)
Anyway, here's a bunch of "news"
stories about a man, his fat ass and his (lack of a) life.
News
1 | News
2 | News
3 | News
4
I also found a facetious article
on how Jared's
loss of weight hasn't led to a gain of friends. Plus
a Jared
Fogle photo page, which basically left me laughing till
it hurt. And it's too bad his
diet is NOT recommended by WeHateSkinnyChicks.com.
All right, I'm sick of talking about
the biggest tool on TV, so if you're still interested in
finding more, you can pick
up where I left off.
GIMME A D! GIMME AN S! GIMME AN L!
Listen up, people. I finally got
DSL, which means I'll be able to pass along multimedia links
to you. So if you work for a legitimate company that's smart
enough to block off access to Napster, you can still download
Britney Spears' backstage f-bomb tirade here. (1.3 MB)
And I was finally able to check out NakedNews.com.
The chicks aren't the hottest, but it's so unusually cool.
I never thought I'd see a woman reporting on Indians buried
under ruble while unlatching her bra. The high-speed Quicktime
option is definitely the way to go.
DYNO-MITE DEALS
I actually think Jimmie Walker is
funny, but he comes off a such a goof on his
Web site. Not like he's an aristocrat everywhere else.
He's posted what he calls, "some
really cool photos." Including one of him on the
high school basketball team. He's got a lot of stuff nobody
will buy in his
store. And this is the best: Jimmie shares his
thoughts on dating AND the death penalty. So all you
kids writing term papers on the penal system can now use
J.J. as a resource.
ANOTHER HERO
Some of you New Yorkers are probably
aware of the Flag Boy phenomenon at St. John's basketball
games. Basically, the nerdiest male cheerleader (redundant,
I know), grabs a huge, heavy flag and does as many laps
around the court as possible during timeouts. The crowd,
um, actually cheers. Why, I don't know. But maybe the Flag
Boy Web page will provide the answer. I couldn't find
it. Just some pics of average looking dance-team members.
Oh, and a
video of him running around. (1.1 MB)
WEIRD NEWS
Got an upset stomach? Now you do:
Ohio
police investigating posed photos of corpses in morgue
Gentlemen, start your ass-grabbing:
Little
pat on the bottom OK, court rules
FINALLY, THIS WEEK'S WOMEN
* A
whole shitload of pics of Hooters waitresses
* Busty
Brigitte wants to welcome you to her site
* Thongs
at the beach
* My
buddy Kevin posted tons of pics of women dancing on the
bar at Hogs and Heifers
* Nondescript galleries
of thongs
and wet
t-shirt contests
* Official
Web site of hot silver-medal winning pole vaulter Tatiana
Grigorieva
* The
stupidest looking picture I have ever seen on Am I Hot or
Not
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